Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joeshlabotnik/ / CC BY 2.0
I’m a native of New York City (which, my friends will tell you, I never stop talking about). This gives me unique and special powers. No, seriously. This city is amazingly idiosyncratic in many, many ways, offering situations that no other city in North America can muster. The longer that you live here, the more of a mutant urban creature you become, as new, specialized skills that are completely useless everywhere else begin to become burned into your brain. One ingrained skill, in particular, that stands out as being something truly miraculous to people not from here, is the instinctive, Jedi-like ability to navigate New York’s immense Subway system at will. I’ve heard a stand-up comedian call this effect becoming a “Subway Native American,” who can sense the approach of a D Train by scent. …That’s actually not far off, alarmingly, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Why is my fair city’s most prominent mass transit system so ungodly difficult to navigate that it requires being an X-Man named “Subway-o” in order to understand it?
New York, and Manhattan in particular, is blessed by incredibly dense rock. Specifically, Manhattan schist. The schist is the reason you can see distinct interruptions in the agglomerations of tall skyscrapers on the island. Early skyscrapers needed solid bedrock to be anchored in, so initial skyscraper development paralleled the dips and falls of the schist. Another thing that defined the position of the tallest early skyscrapers was history. Buildings were clustered in Lower Manhattan since that was the oldest part of the city, dating back to the original 1624 New Amsterdam settlement below Wall Street, and the later 17th and 18th century developments between Wall and Houston Streets. The densest development occurred in areas that were already developed, while Uptown Manhattan and the Outer Boroughs (read: Manhattan) were almost entirely dominated by low-rise residential buildings. So, when the first Subway line was opened in 1904, it was designed with that in mind: getting people from where they lived Uptown to where they worked Downtown. The first line ran from Harlem’s West Side, through what is now the Upper West Side, past Times Square, to Grand Central, and then down the East Side to City Hall. So, simple, right? Lines go up and down. Well…
Look at New York City on a map. The city is built on an archipelago. In fact, the only part of the city on the North American mainland is The Bronx. Train lines had to accommodate the odd, elongated Swedish Fish-like shape of Manhattan, and then also had to make allowances for huge parts of the city being off in odd directions from the economic core of Lower Manhattan, rather than just being arrayed radially away from the city center like most large cities (see: London). So now you have lines coming in from some unusual directions, forcing them into Manhattan in odd places. But still, what’s the problem? Everything is going into Lower Manhattan, right? Well, there were two different companies building lines at the time, the Interborough Rapid Transit Company (IRT), and the Brooklyn Rapid Transit Company (BRT), building competing lines, both trying to get people into Lower Manhattan. So now you effectively had two systems, twisted into pretzels by New York’s geography and by trying to avoid each other’s tunnels, both vying to bring people into the same neighborhood. Stations from the two systems ended up just one or two blocks from each other in some places, with no connections between them, since that would be like having an entrance to a McDonald’s inside a Burger King next door.
But wait, there’s more! Later, Midtown Manhattan became just as much of an economic powerhouse as Lower Manhattan, driving the THIRD Subway company, the government-owned and operated Independent Subway Company (IND), more towards that area of Manhattan. The important thing here is that the three companies eventually were consolidated into the Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s (MTA) unified Subway operations, which leaves us with the tangled mess we have today. Geography, the problems inherent in smooshing three different company’s systems together, and the spaghetti-like nature of the system, make maps almost incomprehensible gobbledygook, being navigated by an utterly insane 5 and a half million riders per day, most of them in an insane rush.
This veritable urban Serengeti creates the train-going predators most New Yorkers evolve into to survive. We begin to instinctively know where to stand on a platform in order to board a train in the optimal position to transfer to a different train at some future station. We can sense the approach of a train in the direction we’re going by the displacement of air from a tunnel. We hang our heads out over the tracks, peeking into the tunnel, attempting to catch a glimpse of the distant lights we know signifies an oncoming train. We memorize changes in service, and learn to hop across platforms like kangaroos between Express and Local trains, or vice-versa. We know a… Interesting Subway rider when we see or hear one, and know to stand far, far away from them while waiting for our train. We know whether to head for the nearer 6 Train station, or the more distant F Train station depending on what time of day it is, and where, precisely, we’re going. We are mutants. I can even identify the train before it arrives in the station based on the way it sounds: high-pitched whine, it’s a newer train, an R142, probably, and it has to be a 2 Train since the 1 and 3 still use the older R62s. This is what New York does to you. And it is awesome. You feel like freaking Commander Data, guiding out-of-towners through the system with a torrent of Subway themed technobabble and magic they couldn’t possibly understand. It’s one of the things I love about having guests here.
But perhaps you don’t have someone to be your guide to the wonders of the filthy, filthy subterranean world underneath New York, and will need to figure out the madness on your own? A few days here won’t transform you fast enough, but a few quick pointers and tips can go a long way towards keeping you from ending up confused and alone in the South Bronx!
UPTOWN AND DOWNTOWN ARE DIRECTIONS
They’re places, too, but not in the specific sense they are in most other cities. When you say “Downtown” here, it’s like saying “The South.” We have three directions here, Uptown, Downtown and Crosstown. And most platforms don’t have crossovers once you’ve entered, so you need to know where you’re going first. Generally speaking, The Bronx and Queens will be Uptown, while Brooklyn will be “Downtown.” Staten Island isn’t directly connected to the system, and don’t go there, ever.
LOOK FOR THE SMEARS
You should watch what you’re stepping in, of course, but I’m talking about the smears of black on the edge of the platforms at regular intervals. That’s where the doors of the train open, and everyone’s filthy, filthy feet created those smears of dirt over the days and weeks since the last time the station was hosed down. If you stand right in front of them, you’ll be well positioned to get on the train as soon as the doors open without 800 people pushing past you, first. …Seriously, though, watch where you’re stepping in general. If it looks like poop, it’s probably poop.
LET PEOPLE OFF THE TRAIN FIRST
Seriously, let people off the train before you get on board, or I will destroy you. It’s one of the biggest subway faux pas around. I don’t care how much other people are doing it, it’s like peeing in the middle of the street because the drunk hobo across the block is doing it, too. DO NOT DO THIS. And while we’re on the subject of things to not do…
DO NOT STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF STAIRWAYS BLOCKING THEM, YOU BASTARD
GRAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH – GET OUT OF THE WAY!! Look at your phone or your map to the side, not in the middle of the stairwell leading out of the stinking hot Subway and into the fresh air, for the love of all that is holy, you miserable asshats, I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE SOUL!!
PAY ATTENTION TO SIGNAGE AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
With 24 lines and over 400 station complexes operating 24/7/365, things can get intense in a hurry. Construction and cleaning is always going on somewhere in the system, and snow, extreme heat, and track fires can create problems in a flash. Services will change, and that local train you’re on will go express without warning, so pay attention to what those garbled voices are saying over the intercom, lest you wonder how the heck you ended up in the wrong Borough. Don’t just count the number of stations to your destination, actually look out the window at what stations you’re at!
DOWNLOAD GOOD TRANSIT APPS
Odds are you have a smartphone, and with schedules and services constantly changing, a paper map will be functionally useless a lot of the time. My personal favorite is Embark NYC. On a related note…
THE SYSTEM MAPS ARE ONLY ACCURATE ON WEEKDAYS
Is it nighttime? Is it the weekend? Is it anytime other than between 5AM and 11PM on a non-holiday Monday through Friday? Congratulations, all of those already nearly unreadable maps are totally useless. Overnight service between 11PM and 5AM, and service on weekends and holidays, are completely different. Again, announcements and signage are your friends (as is the Weekender)! And on yet another related note…
EVERY STATION BUT ONE IS OPEN 24/7/365, BARRING CONSTRUCTION
Even if you entered on the wrong side, or entered a platform where the regular service isn’t running, don’t despair. Every station but one will have some sort of train stopping at it, or connect to one that does, 24/7/365. Even if you head the wrong way, many stations have crossovers where you can go back down the other direction (most commonly express stations). And if there’s something totally wrong in the station, and it’s actually closed, it will be roped off with red tape. The only station that regularly totally closes is Broad Street on the J and Z Trains in Lower Manhattan.
DON’T EAT SMELLY FOOD ON THE TRAIN
Unlike on the Washington Metrorail, eating is allowed on the NYC Subway. But be at least a little considerate, and don’t eat some steaming pile of unholy Chinatown takeout in a crowded train, m’kay? If you’re hungry, just have a bag of chips, or something. You will start an argument with someone if you keep doing this.
DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE
Yes, “Missed Connections” might have given you the impression that the Subway is a smoldering cauldron of passion, but in reality, even in the safe, squeaky clean modern New York, making prolonged eye contact on the Subway is the best way to get a random person to start screaming at you about Xenu, or, on the flipside, to make some poor young intern from Omaha really, really scared of you. Don’t stare!
BE CAUTIOUS WITH PANHANDLERS
I’m not going to tell you to just ignore everyone who needs help, but keep in mind that A, some panhandlers may be in need of more than just monetary help, and B, some of them are scam artists. If you want to be a good Samaritan while you’re underground, keep some extra change in a different pocket than the one your wallet is in. Do not open your wallet or purse on the Subway, or flash money and credit cards. Just drop the coins in the cup and go back to what you were doing. Alternatively, donate to orgs that specifically help the homeless, and know how to get your money to where it can genuinely do good.
SWIPE YOUR METROCARD GOLDILOCKS-STYLE
Don’t swipe too fast, don’t swipe too slow, and listen for the solid click of the turnstile unlocking. Don’t just slam your card into the slot while charging forward, you will end up knocking the wind out of yourself on the turnstile bar!
USE THE BOARDING AREAS
If it’s late at night in a quiet station, wait for your train near the area marked as the “Boarding Area” or “Off-Hours Waiting Area.” That area is specifically chosen as the place where there are cameras and manned station agent booths within eyesight, and can add an extra layer of safety to your late night trip.
IF YOU NEED HELP, ASK
New Yorkers have an unfortunate reputation as mean, unrepentant assholes. This is only partly true. We are unrepentant assholes. But we aren’t mean, just really, really busy and harried. If you ask one of us for directions or help, if at all possible, we will help you. So don’t be afraid to ask. We don’t bite, promise!
New York, NY
March 18, 2014
Hyperspace Pasta 
