Please Rise

Officer, your heart isn't quite that low...

Photo attribution: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mikeymikez/ / CC BY 2.0

 

While watching the 2014 Winter Olympics a few weeks ago, I was, as I usually am, struck by how odd a concept national anthems are.  I mean, it’s basically a leitmotif for your country, as if it were a character in a play.  The very notion is really odd, especially on this side of the 20th century.  National anthems are, despite what one might think, a fairly recent phenomenon.  They have their roots in nationalism, a concept that dates back to only the 19th century, and which doesn’t have nearly the same kind of pull now that it did just 30 years ago, in the midst of the Cold War.  Some of the anthems out there are far older than nationalism is, but were usually not written with “become my country’s theme song” in mind.  Some of them, including the American one, started out as drinking songs!

Well, while pondering the strangeness of national anthems as a thing, it suddenly occurred to me that despite the dozens, nay, hundreds of fictional nations I can name off the top of my head from science fiction and fantasy, there are only a handful of anthems that I could think of representing them.  It’s as if all of the creators were deliberately avoiding the subject, for fear of creating too strong a connection with the real world and all of its associated political hangups.  It’s just exceedingly rare to hear an anthem from a fictional nation.  So rare, in fact, that after I made this list of all of the fictional anthems I could think of off the top of my head, when I checked online for any that I was unaware of or had forgotten, I found that I was only missing a handful more, none of them especially memorable.  Let’s take a look at the ones that stuck with me…

 

Animaniacs“The National Anthem of Anvilania”

Weren’t expecting this one, were you?  Yes, the 1990s children’s television series Animaniacs featured, as the national anthem of an anvil-themed medieval nation state, a parody of the singing style of Perry Como.  Who was last relevant as a singer in the public consciousness circa 1980.  Odd choice there, guys, but whatever.  Even as a kid only vaguely aware of who Como (fittingly styled “Perry Coma” here) was, I found the joke funny, and the “song,” such as it was, absurdistly memorable, something Animaniacs was kind of known for being.  Yes, inexplicably, you will have this stuck in your head for a while.

 

Battlestar Galactica (2003 series) – “The National Anthem of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol”

This was a great idea all around.  Bear McCreary, who composed the modern BSG score in the style of a Japanese war march/Irish folk song, very cleverly brought back the bombastic, Star Wars-style theme Stu Phillips wrote for the original 1970s BSG television series as the anthem of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol.  It’s insanely out of place in the exceedingly grimdark reimagined series, which makes it all the better, considering how utterly ridiculous national anthems tend to be in degrees of bombastic-ness and levels of “never mind all the problems, sing about how awesome we are.”

 

Borat“The National Anthem of Kazakhstan”

The potassium really is impressive.  Arguably, this shouldn’t be on here, since Kazakhstan is a real country, but the version of it from Borat might as well be on the moon for all it has in common with its real life counterpart, so this one gets to be here.  But seriously, all you need to know about this spoof of a Soviet-style anthem is that it was so popular that it was actually accidentally played as the “real” anthem of Kazakhstan when a Kazakh athlete won a gold medal at the 10th Annual Arab Shooting Championship in Kuwait in 2012.  Yeah.  That happened.  Try to watch this video without wincing in sympathy.  The really sad part?  Kazakhstan’s actual anthem is really, really good.

 

Caprica“The National Anthem of Caprica”

Another work from Bear McCready, this one was written as the anthem of the planet Caprica in the BSG prequel series Caprica, which would later become part of the “Twelve Colonies” from the rebooted Battlestar Galactica.  There’s really nothing specific to say here except that this is a lovely piece of music, and sounds completely like a 100% real anthem, and a good one, at that.

 

Final Fantasy VIII“Cactus Jack” (The National Anthem of the Republic of Galbadia)

Nobuo Uematsu is a…  Let’s call him an “interesting” composer, fond of doing completely insane stuff like mixing the musical styles of Jimi Hendrix and Igor Stravinsky.  Best known for composing the music for nine of the fourteen main Final Fantasy video games, he wrote this one for Final Fantasy VIII‘s arrogant, war mongering Republic of Galbadia.  It sounds a bit odd filtered as it is through the old PlayStation’s MIDI synthesizer, but it doesn’t take much imagination to get an idea of what it would have sounded like played by an actual orchestra: like half of the less memorable national anthems from the real world.

 

Follow That Bird“The Grouch Anthem”

Hehehe…  Somewhere back in 1985, a 5-year-old me is grinning like a cheshire cat.

 

The Hunger Games“Horn of Plenty” (The National Anthem of Panem)

Arguably the best fictional national anthem I’ve ever heard, James Newton Howard’s “Horn of Plenty” for the futuristic dystopia of Panem, is perfectly fascistic, histrionic, and epic.  And you can’t help but love the anthem, and how incredibly boastful and prideful the lyrics are, even while you hate what it’s celebrating.  Which is kind of the point (see the Soviet Union’s national anthem, which worked so perfectly as an anthem that it was brought back with altered lyrics in 2000 for the modern Russian Federation, despite the unfortunate association with a horribly oppressive regime).

 

Nineteen Eighty-Four – “Oceania ‘Tis for Thee” (The National Anthem of Oceania)

On its face, this is a straightforward national anthem with all of the standard accoutrements of jingoism, over-the-top praise, and borderline silly pride.  Until you read George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, or watch the 1984 film adaptation this version of the anthem is from, and realize just how utterly insane it is that any song even remotely like this represents Oceania.  A single, icy piano note would probably be more appropriate.  “Blackwhite,” indeed.

 

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine“The National Anthem of the United Federation of Planets”

Speaking as a lifelong Star Trek fan, the Federation anthem was something I had wondered about for many, many years.  In my head, I always assumed it would be Jerry Goldsmith’s march from Star Trek: The Motion Picture (which later became the Main Theme of Star Trek: The Next Generation), and that the people running the franchise back then might sneak it in without warning during a scene as a kind of treat for the fans.  …Instead, it finally showed up in the 1999 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode “Take Me Out to the Holosuite,” played before  a simulated baseball game, of all things, and it ends up being this incredibly drab, generic, lyric-less thing.  Ugh.  What a wasted opportunity, and very typical of the incredibly bland and “safe” Star Trek of the period (which DS9 usually avoided being, but clearly failed here).

 

The Empire Strikes Back – “The Imperial March” (The National Anthem of the Galactic Empire)

Yep.  This is the anthem of the Galactic Empire in Star Wars.  Darth Vader’s theme music, possibly the best-known leitmotif on the planet (which is really saying something coming from King of the Leitmotifs, John Williams), is a national anthem.  While this has never been shown on-screen, it has been very subtly hinted at in several books and video games, which have varying degrees of canonicity.  It was most blatantly hinted at in A.C. Crispin’s “The Paradise Snare,” where the exact tune is referenced as “the martial theme of the Imperial Navy.”  While the theme may sound a bit too “evil” to one’s ears to be believable as something any government would choose as their anthem (“we are the hero of our own story,” after all), there are certainly equally ominous and martial anthems out there in the real world as proof that some governments would.  The powerful, relentless triplet figure that gets into your head and never leaves is probably the best.  Anthem.  EVER.

 

New York, NY
April 7, 2014

All the Nerdy Tears

THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/a_t_ljungberg/ / CC BY 2.0

 

Everybody cries, just as much as everybody poops.  It’s usually not for the best reasons.  It could be because you lost a loved one, or you’ve stubbed your toe, or you’ve just realized that the nice supervillain that you work for bought you the Denver Broncos instead of the Dallas Cowboys. But sometimes, letting the waterworks flow is liberating.  It makes you feel alive, even if it’s in a sort of horrible way.  You feel, therefore you are, which can be good.  Pain can be numbing, make everything feel pointless, useless.  A good cry can make it all feel very vital and real, and, in effect, give you a jumping off point to start recovering.  It’s an essential part of grief and coping.  This might explain why there’s an instinct, of sorts, in most people to seek out things that make them sad.

Where does one go when they want to feel sad, and all they have to work with is a remote and a Netflix account?  An episode of a science fiction series usually isn’t the first place you think of.  But, surprise, surprise, some of the most intense television-induced crying sessions around can come at the hands of science fiction and fantasy television.  In fact, it might be the best place to go when you want to feel that way.  I’ve long maintained that the reason shy or socially awkward people are associated with science fiction and fantasy isn’t because liking that type of fiction makes you more likely to have those traits, it’s because that type of fiction speaks to the lonely and shy more than other fiction does.  When your actual reality isn’t very happy at the moment, who wants to think about the real, contemporary world?  Why not escape into a world that is set in the future, or in some other reality?  By that same token, if you’re feeling sad and want to cry because you just lost a pet, or your dream wedding didn’t turn out like you thought it would, won’t watching something that takes place in the contemporary world make all the sadness from your situation, all the “feels,” as the Internets are saying, even stronger?  No, you want to cry by relating to similar pain, not the exact same pain!  Enter sci-fi and fantasy, where you can cry about a really sad breakup between two aliens on a planet in another star system, and not have to consciously relate it to your own situation (even though your subconscious is actually doing just that).

Here’s a good selection to start with.  Bring tissues.

-SPOILERS FOR THE EPISODES IN QUESTION FOLLOW!  SKIP ANY YOU MAY WANT TO WATCH!-

 

Quantum Leap – “M.I.A.” (1990)

Quantum Leap (1989-1993) is a series that many people, sadly, have forgotten about.  In short, it was about a time traveler named Sam Beckett, played by the always affable Scott Bakula, who was stuck travelling through time, replacing specific people at specific times so that he could “put right what once went wrong.”  He was alone, trapped, lost in time, and was forced to help fix other people’s lives, but never his own, in the hopes that he could eventually “leap” home.  It just reeks of sad moments, doesn’t it?  To be sure, there were a lot of tear jerker episodes, but the second season finale “M.I.A.” takes the cake.

Sam’s “observer,” Admiral Al Calavicci, played by Dean Stockwell, Sam’s only companion, who appears to him and only him as a hologram transmitted from the future, fought in the Vietnam War, and was taken as a P.O.W. from 1969 until 1973.  During that time, his wife, Beth, who believed him dead, remarried, leaving the eventually emancipated Al completely destroyed and heartbroken.  During the episode, Sam is dropped into the time period when Al is missing, and in the proximity of Beth.  Al, realizing the opportunity, spends much of the episode lying his head off to Sam about what he is there to do, trying to convince Sam to tell Beth that he’s alive and well and will be home soon.  It doesn’t take Sam long to realize that he isn’t there for Al or Beth, and cannot change their lives.  This leads to one of the most devastating moments in the series, as Al, a holographic projection Beth cannot see or hear, “dances” with Beth as she dances by herself to “their” song, Ray Lewis’ “Georgia,” pleading with her to wait for him, that he’s out there and alive.  Sam, who finishes what he’s actually there to do, leaps out while this is happening, removing Al’s projection from the timeframe, with the episode ending on Beth, dancing alone, and crying for reasons she doesn’t understand, mumbling a quiet “…Al?”

The sadness level of this episode is a bit dulled by the fact that this specific moment and event is revisited in the series finale, “Mirror Image,” three years later, effectively neutering its impact.  But viewed on its own, it’s tremendously sad and powerful.

LEVEL OF FEELS: Your parents just told you that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

 

Star Trek: The Next Generation – “The Inner Light” (1992)

Everyone knows Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), and everyone knows this episode.  In fact, the theme from it, played on a solitary flute, ranks among the most well-known pieces of non-title television music in history.

Enterprise encounters a probe that immediately renders Patrick Stewart’s Captain Picard unconscious with some kind of transmission.  When he wakes up, he’s on a planet he’s never seen before, Kataan, and everyone insists that his name is Kamin, and that he’s from there, married, and is recovering from some sort of severe illness that gave him delusions.  Picard is, of course, immediately suspicious, and refuses to believe anything he is being told, but as time passes, he begins to become a part of the world’s society, and even has children, and learns to play a native flute and a specific melody.  As Picard gets older and older, the gravity of the situation on Kataan begins to settle in.  The planet’s sun is becoming more luminous, scorching the surface and bathing the world in ultraviolet radiation.  Everything is dying, and the Kataanian civilization, which is pre-atomic, can’t escape the planet.  Picard, or Kamin, as he’s accepted being over the decades, tries to help in any way he can, but ultimately, at the very end of his life and now a widower, he is helpless to save the world.

One day, “Kamin’s” now adult children take him to watch a mysterious rocket launch, where he sees everyone he’s known over the decades on Kataan young and alive again.  They explain that the rocket is carrying a probe, the probe the Enterprise encountered in space.  The probe is full of the memories and experiences of their world, and will interface with the first sentient mind it finds, giving them a full life on Kataan, and letting them see how the Kataanians met their end, so that someone, anyone, would remember and know who they were.  Picard, finally understanding, sees the rocket launch, and then wakes up on the Enterprise as himself again.  Only 25 minutes have passed.  The probe, which, he is told, originated in a system that went nova a thousand years earlier, is dormant now, and inside it, the crew finds Kamin’s flute.  The episode ends with Picard in his quarters, playing the music he learned in his other “life,” quietly paying respect to an entire world that only he remembers.

This one is an absolute classic, and even won the Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation in 1993.  If you aren’t at least misting up when Kamin’s wife shows up young and alive again, you’re probably a soulless automaton.

LEVEL OF FEELS: You discover your pet goldfish floating upside-down in its tank when you’re only 8.

 

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine – “The Visitor” (1995)

Oh, for the love of Gort, this one.  Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993-1999) has always been the redheaded stepchild of the Star Trek franchise, thanks to being the only series set on a space station instead of on a mobile starship.  I happen to think that worked to its great advantage, since people kept coming to them instead of the other way around, creating a massive cast of secondary and tertiary characters that kept visiting the station.  It really felt like it was part of a big, wide world, and the ship-based shows sometimes didn’t.  DS9 really hit its stride in its third season, and then hit it out of the park in Season Four, starting with this, just the second episode of the season.

The episode opens in the Louisiana bayou, which is definitely a first for the franchise, in the home of a very aged Jake Sisko, the son of the series’ lead, Captain Benjamin Sisko.  A young woman has found his home, desperate to speak to the author of her favorite books, who published just two successful novels and then never wrote again, becoming a recluse.  He begins to tell her his story.

Decades earlier, in the late 24th century world we’re familiar with in the series, Captain Sisko and his son, Jake, are involved in a, shall we say, “timey-wimey” accident while aboard the station’s resident patrol ship, Defiant.  Sisko appears to be vaporized, and disappears into subspace.  His father presumed dead, the 18-year-old Jake struggles to go on with his life, but keeps encountering his father, appearing as he did at the moment of the accident.  At first, no one believes him, but eventually, it is apparent that what Jake is experiencing is real, and that Captain Sisko is popping back into the regular space time continuum periodically for brief stints, effectively frozen in time in-between.  At first, Jake is overjoyed, thinking he can get his father back, but Sisko is never in his reality for long enough, and eventually, his regular appearances become a painful obsession for Jake as he ages.  He loses his wife, gives up on his writing, and becomes an emotionally stunted recluse.  Finally catching back up with the time at the beginning of the story, Jake finishes his tale, revealing that he figured out the exact time his father will appear next, and that this will be the last time he seems him.  He hands a third, unpublished and finished book to the now devastated young woman, asking her to leave.  Sisko appears again, and Jake reveals that he has injected himself with a fatal dose of poison, having realized that he was pulling his father through time like a zipper, and that if his thread were cut, his father might go back to the moment of the accident.  Sisko is horrified, and cradles his now elderly son in his arms as he dies, before suddenly finding himself back on the Defiant some 60 years earlier.  Avoiding the accident this time, Sisko and his son return home, Sisko shaken and astonished at the love his son truly has for him.

This one is sold by Tony Todd‘s heartbreaking performance as the adult and elderly Jake, and Avery Brooks‘ always powerful performance as Captain Sisko.  Rather than filling you with despairing sadness, “The Visitor” hits you with the “other” Jake’s six decade sacrifice, and how beautiful, if almost hopeless, his love for his father was.  If it hadn’t worked out, of course, the feelings it would have elicited would have been far darker.  But such as it is…

LEVEL OF FEELS: Your cat dies of feline AIDS after contracting it from the cheap cat food you kept buying.

 

Babylon 5 – “Sleeping in Light” (1998)

Babylon 5 (1993-1998) was a pioneer in serialized storytelling in American television.  Every show has season or series-long arcs now, but once upon a time, B5 was fairly unique.  Structured like a five act novel, the entire fifth, and final, season acts as a denouement.  And this episode, “Sleeping in Light,” is the whole story’s epilogue, jumping ahead 19 years from the previous, penultimate episode.  Describing the backstory of this one would require describing all five years of the show, so let’s not do that.  And I don’t want to completely spoil this thing.  Briefly put…

John Sheridan, the series’ lead character, is dying, and he knows he is.  20 years earlier, he was brought back to life and told he had a 20 year extension on life.  Time is almost up, and so his wife, Delenn, calls together all of their old friends and comrades for one last meeting.  What follows isn’t another episode of the series, in the traditional sense.  It’s more like attending a long wake for an old friend.  We see Sheridan say goodbye to everyone one last time, then goodbye to his wife in an utterly heartbreaking scene.  He goes on one last “Sunday drive,” as he calls it, on his own, visiting the Babylon 5 station again.  The station, too, is at the end of its life, all but abandoned and about to be decommissioned.  Its mission is over, and now it’s just a giant navigational hazard.

Finally, Sheridan returns to the Coriana System, where the Shadow War ended 20 years earlier, where he was supposed to return at the end, and finds Lorien, the ancient alien that brought him back to life, waiting for him there.  The death scene that follows is incredibly unique by television standards, as Sheridan quietly, peacefully, sadly faces his end, and Lorien engulfs him in light (with mysterious implications).  Smiling, Sheridan utters his last words, “well, look at that…The sun’s coming up,” and disappears.

Then, just to put another knife in the audience, we get to see the surviving characters assemble one last time to say goodbye to the station itself, as it’s shut down (by the show’s creator, J. Michael Straczynski, in a cameo, no less), and then blown up in slow motion as a crescendo of sad but triumphant music plays!

…And then we get to see everyone moving on with their lives, except Delenn, who, it is said, watches the sun come up by herself every morning for the rest of her life.  The show actually ends on Delenn reaching out to the sun, with the shot fading to white.  Gah!  Excuse me, there’s something in my eye.

Bruce Boxleitner and Mira Furlan hit it out of the park here, as Sheridan and Delenn, respectively, but the emotions mean a lot more if you’ve watched the show from the beginning.  By itself, though, the scenes with Delenn and Sheridan should still bring a tear to your eye.  But watching that station go up just kills you if you watched the whole series.

LEVEL OF FEELS: You find out that your mom was a porn star in the ’70s with the stage name “Breastzilla.”

 

Doctor Who – “Doomsday” (2006)

Oh, God.  God!  This show.  This damned show.  Doctor Who (1963-1989, 1996, 2005-Present) is ostensibly a “family” science fiction show, and yes, it can feel a bit childish at times.  But for a family show, people sure die a lot!  I’m serious, this show has a higher body count than Hannibal Lecter.  People get vaporized, blown out of airlocks, mutilated by cybernetic monsters, absorbed into fat alien creatures, dropped off of buildings, shot, stabbed, drowned, dissected…  You name it, they’ve killed it.  The show even lampshades it, with The Doctor exclaiming in the episode “The Doctor Dances,” “just this once, everybody lives!”

So, yes, you’ll frequently be devastated by the deaths of characters, including The Doctor himself, who periodically “dies” and is reborn, or “regenerated,” thanks to a species-specific quirk.  But the show isn’t content to just break your heart that way.  Oh, no.  It gets creative.  Honestly, picking just one episode from this thing was a tall order, with the last part of “The War Games,” the last part of “The Hand of Fear,” “Father’s Day,” “The Family of Blood,” “Journey’s End,” the second part of “The End of Time,” and “The Angels Take Manhattan” all being worthy contenders.  But a lot of those require pre-existing investment in the series.  Let’s go with the most obvious one, the one that anyone will cry to the ending of.  The finale of the rebooted series’ Series Two, “Doomsday.”

What precedes the ending is irrelevant here.  All you need to know is that Rose, The Doctor’s companion, has been travelling with The Doctor for years, and is clearly in love with him (despite him being a nigh-immortal alien), and he’s clearly in love with her, and they are just the best together.  At the end of this episode, Rose gets stuck in a parallel universe through a series of very complicated events.  Suffice to say, she’s stuck there, there’s no way back, The Doctor can’t get to her.  That’s bad enough, right?

Oh, no.  No, no, no.  See, some time later, Rose starts hearing The Doctor calling to her in her sleep, telling her to go to a specific place.  So she goes, and finds a projection of The Doctor waiting for her on a beach in Alternate Norway.  They can’t touch, only talk, and they only have minutes before the last cracks in the universe close.  Rose has made a life for herself in her new home, but is destroyed that The Doctor is going to be alone again.  Breaking down, she finally says “I love you.”  I swear, this is what actually happens next.  First, he pulls a damned Han Solo:

ROSE: I… I love you.

THE DOCTOR: Quite right, too.

And then, and then:

THE DOCTOR: And I suppose, if it’s my last chance to say it…  Rose Tyler-

AND THEN HE DISAPPEARS.  Cracks closed, they’ll never see each other again.  God!

Billie Piper as Rose and David Tennant as The Doctor do a great job here, and effectively kill you, assuming you have a romantic bone in your body.  Even if you have just a small one, it will suffice.  You will be dead.  Now, the hilarious scene that immediately follows, ending the episode, serves as a bit of a sadness killjoy, as do events from Series Four.  But on its own?  God, it hurts!

LEVEL OF FEELS: Your entire family just burned to death in a gigantic orphanage fire that was started when you were trying to give a Viking funeral to your cat that died of feline AIDS that you gave it by feeding it bad cat food.

 

New York, NY
March 11, 2014

Engage! Punch It! Allons-y! Et Cetera!

Press it!

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/27467248@N07/ / CC BY 2.0

 

Oh, hello there. I didn’t hear you come in. Have a seat, and welcome. My name is Christian, and I’ll be your host today. Welcome to Hyperspace Pasta. You may be asking yourself, “who the hell is this person?” or “why am I here?” or “why is there pasta in hyperspace?” or “why is this fine fellow’s prose so wonderfully, gloriously constructed, in the manner of a grammatical deity?” These are all important questions, and I refuse to answer them. Because, in actuality, there are no questions being asked, because this is the very first entry in this blog, meaning there is no one currently reading this in order to have questions about it. You, whoever you are, are reading this in the future, after having discovered this blog on its 147th, or whatever, post, and were so impressed by my brilliance that you have decided, nay, insisted on going back and reading this blog from the very beginning. But perhaps you are a thick sort, and need to be told what this blog is about, and why you are reading it, even though you are already reading it. In the future.

This blog is an exercise in word vomit. No! Word pasta. No, seriously, I am, to put it mildly, a verbose and talkative guy. I have many, many, many, many interests, and once I get started talking about them, I never stop. So, rather than torment my friends and family further, I’ve decided to torment all of you, gentle readers (who will mostly be culled from friends and family to start, so hooray for efficiency!), and give myself an outlet to get all of these glistening, squealing, freshly birthed alien parasitoids a nice solar plexus to burst out of, and a moist air duct to grow up and thrive in, whilst systematically picking off the crew one-by-one, leaving the plucky heroine for last. Like a nice nursery school, if it were taught by Ambassador Kosh and John Crichton and located on the Death Star (“who the what where?” 90% of you just said, and don’t worry, I’ll eventually get you familiar with all of that).

What are these mysterious interests? …Listing them could take some time. There really are a lot. But here are the main ones: science fiction, fantasy, comic books, video games, film, politics, architecture, science, urban planning, mass transit, world history, and my hometown of New York. Knowing me, 90% of this blog will be dedicated to science fiction. There will be swearing. I will have strong opinions, and will call some of you very bad words because I am obviously right about everything, and you are not.

So, perhaps you are reconsidering reading this blog? Well, in that case, I won’t stop you. Leave! Go back to your Perez Hiltons and your Gawkers. But know this: I have a photographic memory, and can argue with you about whether or not Slaanesh from Warhammer 40,000 is actually male or female for an hour, and then talk about the history of Playboy Playmates for the hour after that, and then talk about what cities the NFL should consider expanding into, and why the league deliberately keeps Los Angeles on the table as a bargaining chip for the hour after that, and then wrap it up by discussing what is the best sort of rum to use in a rum and cola, and what Manhattan bar mixes the best one. …While also explaining, in excruciating detail, what Subway lines will get you there and why those Subway lines are called what they are called and why those Subway lines are colored what they are colored and why those Subway lines are located where they are located.

…I also really, really like to cook complicated pasta dishes. Yes. There will be recipes.

Oho. I see I have piqued your interest. Well, then, come in, put your feet up, have a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Let us debate.

 

New York, NY
March 4, 2014